The Black Umbrella Chasing You: Thoughts on Releasing the Past

As an aside, I really intend to start updating this dusty corner of the internet once a week from now on.

So...some thoughts on the past.

Saturday night I had the pleasure of a good friend of mine visiting who I hadn't seen in close to a year. I also presently live with another good friend, so we all had a fine time chatting on the balcony on the last summery night of the season over some organic wine. It had been raining earlier in the night, so inevitably there was some rain-repelling accouterments strewn about the linoleum. With one of these, I had an altercation.

As I stepped inside to grab something from the pantry, my skirt snagged an open umbrella on the kitchen floor. I wasn't aware that it had happened, only that as I walked something made a loud and startling "skkkkth" noise as I walked across the floor, and suddenly as I turned around there was a bulbous black dome sitting directly behind me. I might have yelled an expletive. Or two.

It certainly made me jump.

Isn't that how the past seems to work? You either think you've left something behind, or you don't even know it is there until you turn around. There it is, blocking your path, clinging to the hem of your trousers, or, quite frankly, sitting on your ass.

In the days since then, that black umbrella has become a sort of personal metaphor, in addition to an unexpected bustle. I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life (which one does at thirty, I suppose), and there are good and bad ways to handle things that didn't ever go the way you wanted them to, or planned. Or just don't ever go away.

There are good ways to handle the haunting, looming figure of one's past failures, and then there are some bad ones. To ignore, or simply refuse to see or acknowledge them, and also to breeze past them as fast as possible and just keep going. All of these poor methods can result in that black umbrella chasing one across the room.

Unfortunately, I've taken the poorer route in my life, at times. After seeing the consequences of living on survival alone in dealing with my failures, I've been trying to change that around. 

The positive ways help a person gain traction. But it means you have to sit with your own reality awhile. It means you can't run away from it. Watch as the beads of rain dry, and recognize the impact and truth of what has happened. Learn to accept it. You don't have to embrace it, but like I've read elsewhere about conflict in relationships, you must give it meaning. Make something from it, to take something from it. Transform it into something that will make your life richer. 

Then, once the storm's long past, and the nylon webbing is dried and folded away, you can put that black umbrella where it goes.

And you might also be able to bring it out for a rainy day and keep from wincing.

Just a few "deep thoughts" and a tremendously drawn out metaphor for your Tuesday afternoon.

Xo,
M.